The most magical part about parenting is, if you are open to it, you can heal yourself. If you engage with your kids enough, situations will present themselves and you can magically heal your old wounds. Today I did just that.
Connor wanted to play Monopoly. Drew was napping so I figured why not. It was a Lord of the Rings version and it would be some great connection time.
As a 2nd child, I had an older brother who enjoyed inflicting pain on me, both physical and mental. Oh, nothing that child services would be interested in, just but basic sibling rivalry stuff. He was very smart. Still is. He knew how to play me and when I was old enough he would always invite me to play Monopoly. Sometimes we would play with the whole family. Still, I had a few problems with this game. Mainly, it takes way too long and it is a very difficult game to understand if you don’t know anything about finances. And don’t give that line of BS, “Play it more and it will teach you about finances.” BS! It won’t. I played it a fair amount and only grew to dislike it more. You can learn a great deal for it if you have someone who is willing to walk you through it while playing. I didn’t have that.
I never understood how to manage my money and in this game we all know, that’s a problem. I would start throwing temper tantrums when my brother would get all the properties and then tease me. When I played with my family, I would never be told why I should or shouldn’t do something. My parents always drove a hard bargain. They never helped me out. I was less than 12 years old.
So here I am, 31 years later playing with my 7 year old and I could have sat there and drove hard bargains but why? What am I really doing by making him feel bad? By making him lose and embarrassing him am I actually helping him? It was here that I gained my greatest learning. I never realized how I felt while playing this game. I was embarrassed. I felt stupid, bad and alone. Those are pretty tough for a 12 year old who only wants to be a part of the larger group. I am not saying that I had to win as a kid, but I could have used some help and support.
As Connor and I were playing, he got into some situations where he didn’t have enough money to pay me. I suggested he sell me some properties. Of course he didn’t want to but as we talked it through, he realized he really only had too options. So now he had to become a bargainer. By allowing him to get most of his prices, which allowed him to make money on his original purchase, he felt better. I would usually throw in a guarantee as well, that I would not put any Fortresses or Castles on the properties until after he passed them. A couple of times after he sold me the properties to pay his bills,he saw how little it would cast me to put up a Castle and asked for them back.
Here was another moment. I could have said, “Nope the rules are once a deal is final, you are out of luck.” Imagine yourself as a 7 year old or even a 10 year old. How would that make you feel? Well, maybe you are saying that he has to learn how to make better decisions. Yes he does, but this is a board game and is he really going o hear that when I am saying, “Nope, sorry you lose.” Of course he won’t. He will be upset and not learn a thing. So I elected to take this approach, “Sure. Here you go.” He felt better about it, and then after holding onto the properties for one more turn and paying me in cash, he realized he had to sell them. Guess what? He learned the lesson and all I said was, “Sure. Here you go.” He learned it himself without any shame, blame or bad feelings.
Just because I finally beat someone in a game of Monopoly didn’t mean I actually won. I was victorious because not only did I bankrupt my 7 year old son in this game, but I overcame my issues with my past, and allowed us both to actually enjoy the game and the whole experience. Even so, I still hate Monopoly.